Trump Proofing Teton County

A Satirical Open Letter to the Teton County Democrat Party

This is a guest post by Maxine Magog, a recent transplant to Teton County from Southern California. She describes herself as a “climate refugee” having fled Malibu via private jet as the recent fires ravaged Los Angeles. Though her own home did not burn, some of her favorite shops and restaurants did. Downsizing to her recently remodeled “cabin” in Teton Village has been a struggle, so naturally she feels compelled to shake up the local political system.

Dear Teton County Democrats,

I demand that Teton County do everything possible to Trump Proof itself as we enter the darkest days of the death of Democracy. While I simply adore Gavin Newsom, he has only committed a paltry $50 million to protecting California. Even my modest home in Malibu — which almost got burned down by climate change — is worth more than that. Teton County Democrats must do more to protect me.

I am an oppressed (female), POC (Jewish), climate refugee being forced to endure the harsh Wyoming winter alone. Always optimistic, I channel my unbearable cabin fever into political action. Here are several key initiatives I implore the local Democrat party to immediately fund and implement.

First things first, we must support and protect our migrant workers. I can’t find anyone to fix my heated walkways, and the people of color I hired to shovel snow in the interim have not shown up yet today. If they haven’t already been deported, surely they are hiding from the fascist ICE agents terrorizing our sleepy little town. The cleaning service sent over an uppity white woman yesterday, and she left my home in shambles! If this keeps up, who will tend to my flower beds next summer?!

Drastic times call for drastic measures. I suggest we take matters into our own hands by putting the local fleet of private jets to good use.

I’ve never had to clear customs flying internationally, so what’s to stop us from importing all the workers we need? The borders may be closed, but the skies are wide open. Of course, my own jet is unsuitable for such purposes, but surely some of the less well-appointed planes at our local airport could be committed to a local, organic human trafficking operation. This would also be a great way to assure those of us suffering chronic pain do not lose access to our crucial medicines when Bobby Kennedy tries to take them away.

Speaking of medicine, Teton County Democrats must build a strategic vaccine stockpile to assure we do not lose access to the safe, effective injections which helped America limit our Covid death rate to only 4x the global average. Dr. Fauci can no longer protect us, so we must protect ourselves.

Bobby Kennedy does throw a great garden party, but his stance on vaccines is absolutely abhorrent. If he takes over HHS we will all die of preventable diseases. I heard that vaccines eradicated polio 70 years ago, and that’s all the proof I need to confidently inject whatever substances our brilliant friends in pharmaceuticals have conjured up since. Which vaccines should we stockpile? All of them. One can never be too safe. Do it for the children!

Regarding children, I have noticed an utter dearth of trans kids here in Teton County. In Southern California we are blessed with a diverse, equitable, and inclusive population of gender dysphoric youths. The Trump administration is currently genociding these kids via misgendering, use of improper pronouns, elimination of safe spaces, and other atrocious human rights violations.

The best defense is a strong offense, so local Democrats must actively transition all of the kids in Teton County immediately. We must cut off their sex organs before the Orange Man cuts off our access to gender affirming care. I am sure our friends at pharma could profitably assist us with this, and I hear that certain chemicals could be added to the local water supply to help expedite the process.

While I can’t claim to understand the importance of transitioning kids, I’m pretty it has something to do with saving the world from Climate Change. Now that the climate deniers have taken over DC, it is up to us to save the rest of planet from unpredictable weather. Luxurious real estate developments at mountain resorts catering to international tourism are the epitome of sustainability, so we are already pretty far ahead of the curve on the whole climate issue. All we really have to do is remind the rest of the world what a great job we’ve done by banning plastic bags and straws.

While carbon neutrality is a fine talking point embraced by Teton County Democrats, how will I heat my driveways and walkways after the wage slaves finally get them fixed? Like with the trannies, I say we take an offensive approach to climate change as well: instead of transitioning away from hyper conspicuous over consumption why don’t we transition the climate of Teton County towards something a little closer to that of Southern California. After all, if (via the miracles of modern weather modification) it averaged 75* and sunny year round in Wyoming, getting my pavement up to 85* wouldn’t be such a pressing concern.

Bill Gates and his buddies have done great work in this regard. They call it Geoengineering, and Teton County Democrats would really benefit from looking into it. Anyone foolish enough to actually fret about local solutions to global carbon emissions might get serious about it and focus on turning the Greater Yellowstone Ecosystem into a gigantic geothermal powerplant capable of powering the entire country.

I am full of good ideas, but I know Teton County Democrats have short attention spans, so I’ll be brief about sharing the rest of them. To further Trump Proof Teton County, I propose…

*We ban guns countywide, confiscate them, and ship them all to the Ukraine.

*JHMR Ski Patrol and TCSAR prioritize DEI initiatives over the potential for folks to DIE in the mountains.

*We bring in Hunter Biden, Kamala Harris, and P Diddy as consultants to guide local leaders. The parties would be all time!

*JHMR achieves the world record for the most folks skiing in drag.

*We prosecute Trump for jaywalking during his campaign stop in Jackson.

*We kick off another plandemic locally. Kook flu?

*Our friends at the private, profitable Federal Reserve pony up to fund it all.

It is always darkest before the dawn! The time to act is now!

Impatiently,

Maxine Magog